Darling Duchess,

Ever since you became betrothed to your beloved, we’ve all paid quite close attention to your appearance. Fashion-wise, we loved the white ruffled Reiss number! But beauty? Le sigh.

We have four words for you: Cher. Amber. Monet. Clueless. Get it?

Yes, you tend to look flawless in full-length snapshots—but sadly the close-up headshots give away your dirty little secret: you’re heavy-handed. That blush! That eyeliner! The horror! (Shame no one has the heart—or balls—to tell you.)

Correct us if we’re wrong, but did you not take a series of makeup lessons soon after Big Willy got on bended knee? Perhaps you skipped the ‘less is more’ lecture—allow us to briefly take you back to basics.

1) Lay off the liner. Heavy kohl is appropriate on occasion (like Halloween), but for high-profile events and official appearances, like the Epsom Derby, or Wimbledon, or the Queen’s birthday dinner, or a world-televised Royal Wedding (much like your own)—ABSOLUTELY NOT. And is that white pencil we see lining your waterline? Epic fail. Of insurmountable proportions.

But we digress.

If eyeliner is a must, just tone it down. Toss the black pencil—way too harsh against your delicate features, as is rimming (and re-rimming) your lower lash line. Opt for liquid chestnut brown instead; a thin, precise line applied at the base of your eyelashes will add subtle warmth and slight depth to your gorgeous gaze. And if you’re feeling sassy, flick it out a bit, à la Lauren Conrad—definitely not Amy Winehouse.

2) Don’t swirl the brush in the blush more than twice. A dab on the apples of your cheeks will do just fine—you needn’t sweep it all the way into your hairline.

3) See number one. And number two should you have a little extra time.

All things considered, you’re a good-looking dame. You could actually forgo 90% of the slap, as it makes you look a bit dated and much older. Other than that, two thumbs up—way up. (Though you may want to rethink the shimmering flesh-tone dancer tights.)

xxxo,
Your friends at Red Carpet Fashion Awards

P.S.—What do you think about her look? Should Kate rethink her makeup M.O.?

Credit: Getty